Cameron’s blog yesterday concerning conspiracy theories got me thinking about the internet and its place in the annals of conspiracy and urban legend. For as long as I can remember the internet has been a great clearing house for 2 things primarily: Porn and Flying Saucers. Which of course leads me to wonder why no one has ever created a site dedicated to amateur porn while dressed up as reptiles, gray aliens and “abductees”, but I digress.

The truth of the matter is that conspiracy theories on the net have been almost as popular as sex since the very beginning. Alt.conspiracy has been going strong since 1994 or so, and even AOL back in the pre-boom halcyon daze had a dedicated space for reading about conspiracies, and chatting about them with other users. A/S/L indeed.

But there is more here at play then “just the net”. The popular overnight radio program “Coast to Coast” — originally hosted by Art Bell, and now manned nightly by George Norry, as well as the plethora of Ghost Whispering, Ghost Hunting and other pseudo-science television reveals the dark underbelly of the “North American Sub-Consciousness”.

People like Bigfoot. They like Flying Saucers. They like Ghosts and Vampires and Werewolves. And people still believe all kinds of things about the Assassination of JFK. In fact, new information about the life and untimely death of beloved president Jack Kennedy still surfaces today.

So what does it all mean? Is it true perhaps that though we are on the leading edge of the worlds most scientifically advanced culture, that we are all still a “little bit monkey”? Perhaps our descent from the trees wasn’t as final or complete as we imagined. One need only look to the Economist to see the hidden hand of the masses, feverishly clicking their way towards conspiracy “Nirvana” before realizing that we are still the same primitive superstitious people we have always been, but we have much “cooler sticks and stones” to play with.

Lets take a look at some of the sexiest conspiracy theories per the magic of google, shall we?

1) The US Government was in on the attacks of 911, and these attacks were a false flag used to convince the American People to “go to war” in the middle east. This one is known worldwide as the 911 truth movement, popularized by the documentary film “Loose Change”. This is an umbrella term or catch all for any number of theories, some kookier then others, but all deeply disturbing and distrusting of the United States Government.

2) Area 51: A perennial favorite. The belief that we (our government, our military) have captured “Flying Saucers” belonging to one or more races of non human and / or extra terrestrial beings, and keep these craft, the alien technology and even the bodies of the alien crew members, somewhere under the desert in Nevada. I really like this one myself, because it is fun to imagine just how extensive such a facility might be, with dozens or even hundreds of chambers, levels and tunnels branching out below the American Southwest. At the very least, such a “base” would make an excellent “Team Fortress” multiplayer map.

3) Elvis faked his own death, along with Jim Morrison, Janis Joplin and Marilyn Monroe, and are right now living together in a wickedly sinful 4-some, somewhere in Vegas or perhaps — Amsterdam, having wild sex and quaffing “youth drugs” designed to keep them forever young while they rake in combined billions annually in merchandising and other related ventures. Ok, so I totally made up everything after the bolded part, but it doesn’t matter. There will be a discovery channel special on it in 16-18 months, tops.

4) We never went to the Moon. Which, when you think about it, neatly explains the lackluster and non-inspiring performance by NASA since the early 70’s, at least as well as the movie “The Astronaut Farmer” did. This particular theory has the distinction of being patently ridiculous while expertly lampooning the most wasteful and worthless thing ever created in our name: Government Bureaucrats. Bravo!

5) Shakespeare. Clearly, it was the monkeys.

6) The Da Vinci Code: “Tell a person you’re the Metatron and they stare at you blankly; mention something out of a Charlton Heston movie and suddenly everyone’s a theology scholar.” Indeed, or even a Tom Hanks movie for that matter.

7) Love me like a Reptile. Actually, these guys really do rule the world, along with their little gray Goblinoid cronies and human sympathizing henchmen. Look at your boss the next time he is chewing you out over something trivial. See the tongue? Suckers.

8 ) Aids. There is more money in treatment then in cures, and so on. Possibly the most pernicious of all the conspiracy theories listed here, because it implies that illnesses are created so that they can be treated by viral profiteers, which is just nasty business — when you think about it. Sadly, even if it isn’t true, and it isn’t, it is still a blueprint for future atrocities, and possibly an entire new line of soaps, as well.

9) JFK. We touched on this one above, and it is an enduring fountainhead of conspiracy related paranoia. The singular event that probably lead to the overall dissolution of American Faith in government, spiraling from Johnson and Vietnam and on through Nixon and Watergate. It was the opening shot in a series of Assassinations, which claimed the lives of our most noble leaders, including Jacks brother Bobby and the Reverend Martin Luther King.

10) Diana. The United Kingdoms JFK; Diana died young and died violently, assuring her position in the pantheon of those we aren’t quite ready to let go of yet.

So while I can comfortably draw myself upright by the light of day, secure in the gnosis that I am the pinnacle of human evolution, with a mind evolved beyond the need for such dogma, it is at night after everyone else has gone to bed that I hunch back down again ever so slightly and indulge in a bit of “what if?” I know enough to know I cant possibly know enough to be sure, after all.

Besides — we are less then 4 years, 10 months and 1 day away from the “end of the world” according to the Mayan Calendar, and I have a whole list of things I need to do yet before I am ready to immanentize the Eschaton.